Unfriended

By Maile Sundquist

I have been walking with Jesus since I was 12 and have not looked back. That’s 34 years! Jesus is my rock, my everything. I praise Him in good times and bad and my husband and I are raising our son to know God’s truths. We attend church, serve our community, read the Bible, and pray for our family, friends, and world.

I was recently unfriended, for the first time in my life, by a close friend whose son was my son’s best friend. We are still serving on the same worship team and attend the same church, yet she has decided she wants nothing more to do with us because I am too comfortable with watching movies or owning books, or going to cosplay events where magic is depicted? Because my 9 year old son brought up a scientific theory while talking to her son? I am conscientious of what my son is exposed to, but I also refuse to smother and shelter him to the point he is fearful of everything and everyone, and unable to make his own choices and use discernment without me holding his hand. She did say she felt that any depiction of magic in any form of media is equivalent to pornography. I believe there are some other reasons pertaining to herself that fueled her decision to end our friendship, but what I have the hardest time with is that she claimed it was what God wanted.

This all happened after I wrote her a letter addressing issues she brought up in a discussion we had had previously. I was humbly defending my perspective, and was met with a very short response stating she felt that God had said we should not be friends and to not try to defend, explain or respond to any of the issues I brought up. It was like she literally felt like we were in some sort of unrepentant sin and she left a list of Bible verses about magic for us to read, all of which we believe in and agree with of course.

Spiritual by-passing was the term my husband used to describe her claiming that God told her to unfriend me and to not respond to any of the issues I brought up in my letter. It was a new term for me, where someone is emotionally or mentally unable or unwilling to address a conflict or situation properly, and so claims their decision to not engage is actually from a higher power to avoid the confrontation.

What is ironic is that the God of the Bible would not be telling other Christians to unfriend another devout Christian over something such as this. If I joined a coven or decided to take on divination as a side hustle, or attempted to talk to the ghost of Christmas past, then she’d have a case. God would also not tell someone to cause church disunity, break up a ministry, or destroy a genuinely strong and happy friendship between two young boys.

When asked at his school what his favorite memory of the previous year was my son said, going to the church camp out where he and his best friend got to be together, and his New Year’s resolution was to spend more time with his best friend. It makes me sad. The whole thing. The God of the Bible is a God of forgiveness, reconciliation, redemption, unity, peace. My heart breaks for our boys who truly loved each other and had so much fun together. More than any personal hurt, my hurt is for my son. My beloved, good-hearted, Jesus-loving, silly, fun-loving, innocent son.

The reason I am sharing this story is not for sympathy, but to encourage people to stop being so fearful, judgmental, and narrow minded. Myself included. Easier said than done, I know. And I don’t have all the answers. Perhaps I could challenge all of us to be less quick to jump to conclusions, to have more faith in God (if you believe in Him), to have more faith in others and our kids. To not let fear guide our decisions, to not love conditionally, to value others enough to talk through and work through our differences and make healthy boundaries. To deal with our mental and emotional baggage professionally and healthily before it manifests in unhealthy ways that end up hurting us and those around us. How can we keep tales like this from continuing?

Since COVID it has been devastating to see the broken relationships and tribalism that sprung up and still continue amongst all religions, political affiliations, lifestyles, etc. It is human nature and a natural defense mechanism to fear what is unknown, but if you do not get to know something, how can you judge it? Unless of course we speak of obvious things like cocaine, or jumping on a beehive, or walking on the train tracks at night with your headphones on. You get the idea.

Humans all find comfort in extreme and ridged narrow minded beliefs because there is superficial comfort in thinking we have all the answers. But we don’t. People who are rational minded, considerate, thinking, and conscientious are often criticized the most by both sides as they try to empathize with all views and take all given studies and facts and knowledge into consideration before they form an opinion. As a Christian I believe in a narrow path to salvation in Christ, but I am not narrow-minded. There is wisdom in knowing we don’t have all the answers and never will. Life is mysterious, humans are fragile and complex. We need to have grace with others, as God has grace with us. We also need to have grace for ourselves.

Years ago my husband jokingly told me that I was too pagan for the Christians and too Christian for the pagans, and he hit the nail on the head. I may never find a church home where I truly feel that I fit in, or many Christians or non-Christians who really understand or get me and my calling and gifting, convictions, and expression of my faith. But that is okay. It’s a shame however, that my son had to lose his best friend over it, and I pray for his sake that that never happens again, but rather than allowing this tragic turn of events to bring me down, I am choosing to rise above them and through this story, I hope to encourage anyone reading this to do better, and help others do better.

The other day, one of my close friends who I had just told the following story to said calling me “not Christian enough” is like telling a dog it’s not “dog” enough. I love her! This is a friend who gets me. As tempting as it is to surround myself with loving and supportive friends like her, I see the value in surrounding myself with people who do not share my faith or values or beliefs because we can learn from those who are different than us. This was a fear my friend brought up with her concern about my son saying that science said this or that. She said she feared the boys getting into a back and forth or arguing and I asked her why? Working through a disagreement as friends only makes the friendship stronger. Even if it is agreeing to disagree. If we surrounded ourselves with people who think and believe exactly as we do, then how will our knowledge, compassion, and grace grow? Plus, we are all human, we are all made in the image of God, and we deserve respect and love and compassion no matter what. Well, unless you like mild cheddar. That’s where I draw the line.

As a Christian, I recognize that I can’t do whatever I want, and figure God will forgive me. I need to read the Bible and know God’s heart and character. I need to remember His promises and pray for guidance, humility, strength, wisdom, and discernment. However, I also need to not be apologetic for the things I enjoy, and what my giftings and interests are as I continue to honor God in my actions and words, and embrace this fleeting, beautiful, and fragile life to it’s fullest while I have breathe.

To all of you who try to live an intentional and thoughtful existence on planet earth and who are shunned for it, keep pursuing and spreading truth, freedom, love, and empathy. The world needs you!

Life is a journey, and we are constantly growing and learning and adapting and changing. I just want to make sure I am still honoring God and respecting others while I do it. And I will continue to pray for my sister in Christ, and her son, as I will continue to pray that God reveal to me anything in myself that is not glorifying to Him.

I appreciate you taking the time to read this. If this has ever happened to you, being unfriended by someone, I am sorry. Humanity can do better. Let’s do better and learn to work through our fears, biases and differences. I bet that in the end we’ll realize we are all more like each other than we thought.

Live BRIGHT!